My dear friend LB went on a quest for a deck of Oblique Strategies cards last night. She discovered that a fresh deck can’t be had for less than $60, and the aftermarket is even more outrageous.

I’ve had an Oblique Strategies randomizer app on my iPhone for some time, but it’s no longer available in the App Store. Too bad for LB, because it beats carrying around a deck of cards; at least I could tell her from firsthand experience that the “wisdom” contained therein is not worth this economy’s version of 60 bucks. I’m all for allowing circumstance and externals to color the creative process – back in my, uh, academic days I even wrote an exhaustive paper on ways John Cage used the I Ching to supplement his compositional decisionmaking* – but in my opinion many of the Oblique Strategies are just stupid.

I decided to save LB a few bucks by making a set of my own Strategies. I posted these on Facebook as they occurred to me, between midnight and 2:00 this morning. Here, in no particular order, are my collected Obtuse Strategies. Feel free to print them on cards and slip them into your Oblique deck.

First, do nothing. Then something. Then stop.

Make a list in reverse order.

Third things eighth.

Let the Wookiee win.

Lunch break.

Start a fight. With silence.

RUN

Take off all your clothes except one.

Do this all day.

Cry laughing.

Pretend to care.

What seems to be the problem, officer?

Writer’s block is for pussies.

Do the best thing you ever did.

Drink.

Put it out. But first, set it on fire.

Why can’t they appreciate your genius?

Turn left. THE OTHER LEFT!!!!!

Give up.

Never, ever do that again.

Don’t get caught.

Make out with the person to your right.

Find a parking lot with only one handicapped space. Park in it.

Get lost. Not in any metaphorical sense – go away.

Abuse your power.

You were doing better, like, three Oblique Strategies ago.

4, 23, 5, 395. What number comes next?

Fire yourself.

Is this the card you were hoping for?

Accept all substitutes.

Wrong again. -sigh-

Spend more money.

Why is this taking so goddamn long?

Whoever is worst at this, let him do everything.

NOblique Strategies! HAW HAW!

Lock your bandmates out of the studio.

maybe

You’re on a roll. A SHIT roll!

What if you woke up retarded?

LIAR

Stop taking your meds.

Plagiarize without shame.

Don’t listen to anyone, including yourself and me.

Did you leave it in your pants? Where are they?

You’re the problem.

The glass is ONLY half full.

Play only wrong notes. Yeah, sounds fucking awesome.

Ennui

Spray-paint a record gold. Hang it on your wall.

You can probably do this.

Fried ice cream. WHOA

Put it away. On second thought, throw it away.

What exactly IS a vitamin?

Be really annoying.

Do the same thing you just did, except standing on one leg. Now both. Now grow a third and stand on that. Only that.

You’re just gonna have to work this one out on your own.

Goonies never say die.

What’s something you would regret for the rest of your life? TOTALLY do that.

Don’t accept responsibility for anything.

If the solution doesn’t come to you in a dream, go back to sleep.

——-

* “Exhaustive” because Cage only used it one way – in conjunction with sectors of numbers on a grid – but I had to fill 10 pages.